The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
