never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Randomize
