I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
problem. drunk. stepbrother hitting on me again. help.
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
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