my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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