I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
