Ambien. No doubt about it.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
