Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
