I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
