Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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