Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
