i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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