hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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