Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
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