I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
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