The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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