I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
