he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Randomize
