also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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