I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I am full of burrito and curiosity
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
