Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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