Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Randomize
