Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
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