Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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