I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
