Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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