And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
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