Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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