You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
im six kinds of drunk right now
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
