We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
