I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize