The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
