My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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