Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
