I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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