i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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