so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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