The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
