He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
