Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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