My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
