So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
