Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
