I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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