if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Randomize