dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I skipped work to stalk him.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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