You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
