my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
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