I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
