the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
