Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize