sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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