THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
