Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
