Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Randomize
