everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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