Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
So gin and wine won't be happening again
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Randomize
