we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize
