The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Randomize
