He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
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