my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
how do flat chested girls get laid?
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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