I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
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