And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize