Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
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