Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
