Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize