God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
