why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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