im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
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