and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
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